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Human beings are a complicated species, with behaviour that is harder to comprehend than the existence of “P” in “pneumonia” and “pneumatic”. What is worse is that it is precisely this complicated behaviour that gets us into all kinds of trouble.

But we here in India, famous for having a ‘jugaad’ for everything, have devised an appropriate counter for this as well- the government. We are the proud citizenry for a government that is not hesitant to tell us what is good for us and what is not. Why would we? It is, after all, imperative that our great culture is safeguarded in the midst of the ‘kalyug’ that looms large.

With preferences and arguments being a messy business, argument can only come at the behest of compromise. And sometimes, a compromise comes at the cost of life. We should perhaps revisit history and remember that it is precisely this stubborn, revolutionary and rebellious attitude that got Socrates, Galileo, Bhagat Singh or even Chandrashekhar Azad killed. Maybe the life for our freedom fighters would have been easier if they had just waited for world events like the Second World War to precipitate the exit of the British.

It is this practice of the “survival instinct” that one must cultivate to live a carefree life in the real world. Have you ever been to a gym? I go regularly, and when I go, I never argue or come in the way of someone who is bulkier and way more in shape than me, because I know I stand no chance and might get knocked down. Hence, I usually change my workout schedule. Let them do their thing; why go around pissing anyone off?

I assume you’ve now got the basic premise of this article, so find below the ‘Dos’ and ‘Donts’ for surviving the coming year. After all, if you belong to the minority, it’s possible some of your actions are against the Bhartiya Sabhyata and that just won’t do.

Books: Being the home and subject of many self-proclaimed intellectuals, India has seen several historians spin narratives of its culture and origins. If you’d like to celebrate the next new year, however, I suggest you don’t try to be one of these overly educated natkhats. You must understand that your individualistic spirit poses a great threat to the Bhartiya Sabhyata. And just in case you still want to go with it, first do get a certificate from the Government. And by certificate we mean bowing down to our extravagant censorship demands and submitting to our bans.

Exercise: If it’s your New Year Resolution to go to a gym, we suggest you rethink the prospect. Although getting fit is a noble ambition, but working out using the new age westernised equipment under a well carpeted roof and with air conditioning in branded gym attire is against our sanskar, something our शास्त्रार्थ (Shastrartha) doesn’t allow us. Men must stick to wearing dhoti or langot and enrolling themselves in an akhada for some good old wrestling. If you think wrestling isn’t for you, the only other choice we can really give you is Yoga! For women to keep healthy and occupied, there’s always the exceptionally entertaining daily rut of household chores.

Festivals: Yes yes, I know this one has borne the brunt of conflict time and again- not just between Hindu and non-Hindu communities but also within the Hindu community. For example, the Hindu, Tamil, Bengali, and Gujarat New Years are enough to make you want to throw your hands in despair and wonder when the year truly starts. As if there isn’t enough confusion already, the first step should be to then get rid of the Roman calendar which has been exported from the West (grecian or roman debauchery is clear NO NO). I also propose अखिल भारतीय महोत्सव आयोग (All India Festival Commission) which will get paid for removing this utter chaos from our society and will come up with a uniform festival list (State and Church really cant be separate in this day and age) and celebration guidelines.

Food: It hurts me when people fight over food, it really does. Food must unite people, not divide. I am glad that the minorities have really followed what the different political and not-so political parties have dictated, including the beef ban. But let’s make this even easier, and have a list of dishes that restaurants and households are permitted to cook and serve. Imagine how much relief this will bring! My mother interrogates me everyday about what I want for lunch, as I eat breakfast, and then at lunch we begin our discussion on dinner. This list will give relief to all families. Kumbhkarana Khadya Yojna will be run by equal participation of different sects of the society which will be finalised by the Hindu majority.

Song, Art and Dance: What I hate the most in this Kalyug is the annoying EDM or metal rock music — definitely an encroachment on our sabhyata. This kind of music has to go, we must ban it. Gone are the golden days of bhajan, kirtan on harmonium or tabla. We miss our local lumbini and other kinds of local painting. l know that Bharat has different dance forms like Bharatanatyam, Kathak, and Mohiniyattam and this is a rich enough culture for our Bhartiya Sanskar and Parampara. Let’s agree that dance forms like jazz, salsa, and popping and locking won’t make a cut and will get rejected by अखिल भारतीय मनोरंजन और प्रदर्शन विभाग (All India Entertainment and Performance Department). All we need is calming music, dance and arts that allign with the integrity of the selective sanksar we have built over the years.

The recommendations given by all the committees will be strictly followed up by अखिल भारतीय संस्कृति और संस्कार मंडल (All India Ethos and Culture Body).

Non-compliance will result in forced feeding of Tinday and Shalgam, and defaulters will be forced to watch movies like Karzzzz, Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag, Cash and other such movies because mob lynching is to sudden and easy a punishment.

Views expressed are of the author’s, and should not be taken as the stance/opinion of Spontaneous Order or Centre for Civil Society

Post Disclaimer

The opinions expressed in this essay are those of the authors. They do not purport to reflect the opinions or views of CCS.